The Story of Jenna

Posted on August 28, 2013 by RunningWAutism

Jenna came to us as an occasional babysitter when the kids were very young. Back then she was a vivacious and quirky 14 year old, full of spirited energy and often showing up with her best friend with some off the wall on what they could do with the kids for the night. Those early times were quite the adventure as it wouldn’t be abnormal to come home to an arts and crafts hub, mani/pedi spa, bathroom explosion, mud party, dress up dance party and more. Jenna won our kids over with a sparkle in her eye and a smile that is absolutely stunning. She was amazing with T & N and we really felt comfortable having her sit for us.

So comfortable that when the situation arose the next year that we would have to look into full time care at home for the summer before the kids transitioned to a new daycare (& Jenna was looking for a job) it became a natural fit to hire her as their “nanny”. We had just left a daycare where T was having an absolutely horrible time (see The Importance of Routine and Sensitivity of Sound for children with Autism) . He was undiagnosed at the time and was constantly getting in trouble with the centre for either biting or striking out at kids.

Hindsight being 20/20, the incidents were always happening around the time that free play would occur (when children were given no direction) and when they opened up the room from 20 to 40 kids. T often shows signs of sensory sensitivity and that much noise just became something he couldn’t handle and no routine absolutely threw him into a free fall.

If only we knew that when Jenna took on the job to keep the kids entertained and busy throughout the summer. We went to Scholars Choice. We got lots of crafts. We came up with adventure ideas that Jenna could do. We DIDN’T have a clue that T was Autistic. We just thought he was going through a phase. (I still remember one particular day, T kicked her and had a total meltdown- Jenna’s dad (now close family friends) let me know she was done. She wanted to quit. I was devastated. Fortunately, her dad is a pretty excellent voice of reason and managed to convince her to stick it out.

THANK GOD. The summer ended up being a helluva lot of fun. As I was just starting my business and was flexible in hours, we ended up on a number of adventures hitting up the Zoo, African Lion Safari, Canada’s Wonderland and more. It was a blast and Jenna added such a great dimension to every trip.

The following February we went for a developmental assessment and received the diagnosis of ASD. Jenna got busier as we reached out to her to help cover for the parenting classes we went to at Geneva Centre, the support group meetings we attended, the support group we created, the school meetings and date night. A weekly/bi-weekly effort that became constant in our lives to help maintain our relationship while navigating this new one.

Throughout these years, Jenna has never changed in the way she played and dealt with the kids. She is our steady, consistent support that bar none helped T (& N) stay relaxed at home and gave us the chance to get out and take a deep breath when we needed it. This past year, Jenna decided to do her co-op in an Autism class for her final year of school and she got to know more children with Autism, their particular pieces of the “puzzle” and the wonderful ways so many of these kids use to show they care.

Jenna is now 18 years old, a little quieter, an awful lot more mature and still has that sparkly smile. She is leaving this week for college to take Special Education as her major. Something she shared was inspired in part by being with T all these years. She has gone from babysitter to child-sitter (N cannot STAND Jenna being called a babysitter anymore) to an incredible friend. We’ve had a chance to enjoy an outstanding dance show together and even went skydiving this past June with her mom and another dear friend. We are so sad to see her go but beyond excited for the next chapter in her life.

We will miss you Jenn…Xo

#Autism makes us perfect for the Amazing Race

Posted on February 27, 2013 by laughloveandlife

To all those Autism parents out there, we’ve done it.

We applied to become competitors for the Amazing Race Canada.

Many people have asked us why on earth we would be interested in going on a show that often displays couples at their worst, creates tension in an otherwise happy relationship and puts one through a series of rigorous challenges that pushes you well beyond your comfort zone.

Why? Good question.

Because we believe that living life to its fullest requires going for adventure; pushing yourself to your limits often and being proud of whatever it is you accomplish.

Because if ANYTHING has shown us to keep things in perspective…its Autism; to live in the moment and to stay positive in the face of adversity…It’s Autism. Daily we have found the humour in every situation…in its purest form….through an unfiltered mouth and an innocent mind. If we let things get us down, we wouldn’t be near in fighting form to accomplish this goal…but we have committed to each other to always be talking, always be behind one another, always helping each other get through those crap days.

IF we get selected for the Amazing Race Canada, we would be thrilled. Not just for us. But for the potential of “representing” our parents who are going through the same thing we are and demonstrating JUST how kick ass all us Autism parents are!

Check it out here…(and feel free to share!)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rylnu_Vc_HA]

Want to know what daily life is like with Autism?

Posted on February 7, 2013 by laughloveandlife

Like a tigress stalking her prey, she stealthily creeps into our room and maneuvers oh-so quietly to lie in between us, sneaking under the covers without us hardly noticing…until that moment that “thwack!” She hits one of us in the head with her elbow, knee, or best yet a good ol’ kidney kick with the leg.

N is 5 years old and you could say that this is a fairly normal habit, however I believe that the result of her coming into our room for a “cuddle” is often precipitated by her older brother getting up early, heading downstairs to watch Super Mario How-To Videos. That’s right, not “PLAY” Super Mario but he very much enjoys the 80’s style instructional videos in which he acts out what’s happening on screen…usually with a “hi-yah!” Usually loud enough that we’re not going back to sleep.

I started thinking recently of what is different in our world since we have adjusted to having a child with Autism.

For those parents doing as we did and researching how life changes with Autism, here’s a few excerpts from our daily life…

Repetition

We hear “Do you know Super Mario Galaxy 2??? You can get it at the game store. Can you put that on my home list?” an estimated 20-30 times/day.

T’s need for instant gratitude (patience is too abstract at times) has resulted in a new “list” developing. Your Christmas list, your birthday list (both he understands means waiting for a special date) and now his home list. His home list are those things he wants now. As in let’s go get it RIGHT now, “like now ok?” ..he might be flexible enough for after school but that’s about as far as his home list wait time reaches.

How we communicate

We don’t yell. Not that we really did anyways but T’s response to a raised voice is one that can set him off for the day and create an entire meltdown within seconds. So we laugh. And we try often to look at the humour of a situation cause it is so much about perspective with Autism. Crap can get you down daily (School boards, other kids and the way they treat your kid, how your child can lose it over the most perplexing situation) that we find ourselves reminding each other to keep perspective. We have two children we are completely smitten with, we love each other…nuff said.

Fashion Fairytales

We have a lot of pairs of crisp new jeans. I try…so often cause he looks so flippin’ cute in them but he says they feel like sandpaper. Wow! Nothing that adds to a mom’s guilt than thinking she is putting her kid in sandpaper pants. I had the pleasure of meeting a lovely friend named Vicky Bisson who is with a company called Peekaboo Beans. We spoke about sensory sensitivities in Autistic children and she mentioned many of their clothes are designed to really support sensory sensitivity and their pants/jeans are lined. This could be our answer to getting out of sweatpants! We talked about trying some of their line out to see. If you want to check out Vicky’s page, Click here. Stay tuned as I am sure I will be shouting to the rooftops if this option works.

We get up early

T’s brain is active and often sparks up between the hours of 5-6am. This has led to all sorts of tactics…1) We’ve tried to lie beside him to get him back to sleep 2) I have taken him for a run with me when I am heading out that early 3) We have taught him to get his own cereal 🙂 I like Option 3 a LOT!

The Louis Vuitton bags I have under my eyes are impeccable and I have just come to terms that it will be like this for a long time…

Exhausted — Original source http://sales.shineonraw.com

We get creative

Motivation is often different for T. We recently discovered that daring him to prove us wrong when it comes to doing his homework makes him laugh and very proud of his accomplishment. Trying to explain to him that skating away from the play during hockey wasn’t good finally connected when we talked about the fact that he wasn’t just quitting himself but quitting on his team. A key focus for us is simply that its REALLY important to stay, line up and shake hands with the opposing team at the end of each game. To get the social part of hockey as much as the sport.

This is not what we expected but then what parent is having an experience with parenting exactly as they imagined?

Life is full of surprises, I realize that more and more each day and these are just a few we have encountered so far in our day-to-day with Autism..

Autism has changed HOW we are..

Posted on January 11, 2013 by laughloveandlife

I like looking at a glass half full. I believe everything happens for a reason. I always try to stay positive within a situation.

Wish is partly why I haven’t written in a while. I didn’t want to be a disability parent who just mopes around all over the internet.

6 words.

“There’s Something Wrong with That Kid”.

Those words took down a 250 lb linebacker of a dad and a (we really don’t need to talk about my weight) pretty strong character of a mom.

It was at a hockey practice with our team and the other team we played earlier in the day. They didn’t know T had Autism. My husband was on the ice to work with T and other kids from our team to help them. T was tired and started meandering aimlessly through the practice, having a hard time staying on task and completing the necessary drills. They didn’t realize my husband was T’s dad and after watching a particularly challenging exercise, one coach made that comment to the other.

Chris, my dear husband, protector of our family, hit a complete crossroads at that point. He was proud of himself later for not slugging the guy right there on the ice and totally disappointed that he didn’t get a chance to punch him in the face. Amazing isn’t it how one phrase can stir up such intense emotion?

Original source: Arham1234 on Fanpop.com

You see, it’s starting to show that T is different. Up until this point, we kind of flew under the radar. His outbursts of movie content, overly sensitivity when someone yelled (he actually told a hockey mom once that she needed to stop yelling at her son and that made him “VERY angry” – clenched fists and all), kissing and hugging (inappropriately) friends, parent of friends, teachers, daycare providers and his speech pathologist kind of came off as endearing and young. So much so that we were often asked if we were “sure” that T had a diagnosis of ASD.

In some ways, he is doing a 1,000 X better in terms of social. The new WiiU he got for Christmas has allowed him to engage with his friends in something that he loves to do and is proficient at so that he can provide advice to his friends and find a way for them to play together and on the same team. But he is also starting to demonstrate those tell-tale signs of Autism- he doesn’t connect with how loud he is, can’t quite gain control of physical responses and often “over does it” when excited or stimulated, he gets very upset if you get angry with anything (most recently it was a friend’s dog who he adores that was getting into trouble for eating off the table), and his friends are noticing his repetition, nonsensical statements and lack of interest in common games typical of a 6-year-old.

On the bright side, he doesn’t lie, has a laugh that is so pure and honest, you want to bottle it up and save it, and his empathy is such that he spent an entire period of hockey making sure that everyone was ok who had fallen down.

This is yet another phase we are learning about on this journey and what we have recently discovered is that it doesn’t define WHO we are but often does define HOW we are.

And part of HOW we are going to be is to always try to stay positive, and overlook the times when people are ignorant in what they say but at the same time are telling the truth. There IS something different about him.

Something awesome.

LOVE is what gets you through Autism

Posted on November 9, 2012 by laughloveandlife

There’s not much I like about Autism.

Trying to understand why T does some of the things he does: where he goes when he disappears:how to help him when he gets really upset: how to make sure he isn’t aggressive with other kids: navigating the school system to try to get him support: the repetitive, obsessive behaviour: ….and let’s not forget the over stimulating, sensory sensitivity that often starts our day off ridonkulously early…

Heart-shaped love — Original source: Fanpop.com

I wouldn’t say that I have found the silver lining in why any of this has happened…we have accepted it and we are moving forward..one day at a time. Yes there are crap days where I feel depressed and sad and wish this wasn’t our fight but there are also some beautiful days…one which I think, if T DIDN’T have Autism, if he was just like any other boy, would he be doing what he just did?

That is exactly what I thought this morning as he woke up (at a reasonable time for once,not the 5 am since Daylight Savings) came into the living room and cuddled up close. And said what EVERY mom craves to hear from their child…

“Mom, I love you so much”

i-love-you-repeat — Original source: fanpop.com

You see, right now, T’s repetitive habit (because they change like the season) is to tell everyone that he loves them so much and he is going to “squish you like a bug” with his face all cute and squished up and then asks for a big, big hug.

I know this came from one of his daycare providers who he absolutely adores and who has a particular bond with T, and who says both of those things to him often.

I’ll take it! and so will my parents, my husband’s mom and every one of our friends who he has now said “I love you so much”.

Because he is a genuine, sweet little guy and when he says it to you….it is so very heartfelt and makes your heart skip a beat out of pure love right back to him.

So as much as at times, this journey can suck (as it does for all parents)…for this moment, I will happily enjoy this aspect of Autism.

and T…I LOVE YOU SO MUCH….

Sometimes all a girl needs is HEART SHAPED Pancakes!

Posted on September 14, 2012 by laughloveandlife

Ask any parent who has two kids, one autistic and one not and they will most likely respond that one of their biggest worries outside of managing ASD is making sure that the other child feels equal in the love, attention and energy you can provide to your children.

I often worry about my little girl. She is the 5-year-old, very gregarious, dynamic drama queen and often a bit bossy younger sibling to T. I don’t think she is intentionally bossy. More likely that behaviour pattern comes out of her mirroring what we say or how we interact in working with T all the time. In order to create interest/action that really resonates with him and help him establish what the “rules” are within the house, socializing and day-to-day functioning, we are often repeating that same conversation.. That repetition has created a little girl monster… hands on her hips, blurting out statements like “T, Look in my eyes..good looking!” and “Good job T, I’m really proud of your smart decisions”.

She is wise beyond her years. An old soul.

I think all the time about what is going through her head?…How much she understands now that T is slightly different? When will she start asking those tough questions? When do we explain Autism to her?

Is she getting enough attention on her own or is she dramatic as her way of seeking attention we have been neglecting to provide her?

My belief is to make sure both our kids feel that infinite love we have for them and never that it’s some sort of competition on who carries mom or dad’s heart with them.

Which is why it was a welcome opportunity this past weekend to enjoy our very own girls weekend as dad and T went up to the cottage.

It was a lovely time spent shopping, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie, heading to a birthday party and stopping by a local street festival in the rain. An event that had my little girl shakin her bon bons and soaking up all the awesome music we were witnessing throughout the day. Couldn’t be more proud.

By Sunday, I was madly smitten with that little girl and wondered what I could do to make it a really lovely morning. So I hunted down a little heart shape mold and made her heart-shaped pancakes. She was thrilled and as we sat there eating our pancakes in the quiet of our house, I thought about how nice it was to just have a few minutes with just her and I…ssshhhh quiet…amazing..:) We might someday have up and down roller coaster relationships but for now, I will love that Bestie roll we are playing together.

and then she said “Mama, I love you…you make my heart so full…just like these pancakes”

I love you N…now pass the syrup.

Get down? or Get back on track?: Depression nearly got me

Posted on September 12, 2012 by laughloveandlife

Yesterday felt like the lowest of the low kind of days. I felt like it simply took EVERYTHING inside of me just to get out of bed..to keep going…to keep working towards getting T help in school…

All parts of me felt on the verge of hiding under the covers and simply going back to sleep, avoiding the challenges we have been facing for a simpler, quieter, easier kind of day.

Was I depressed? Absolutely. Is this depression…I don’t think so. But easily see how if I were to give in to that desire to stop ,it could easily be there in a heartbeat.

As a family, we’re exhausted…we’ve been working with the school board in trying to find a solution to support our son in school. It’s been incredibly draining and the amount of meetings/emails/conversations we have had about it has us living in survival mode to just get through each day. We are continuing to advocate for T and won’t stop… but its taking every piece of energy we have.

Add that to the fact that I have been injured over the summer, have hardly exercised and ballooned in weight because of it. I just hit a wall. I started seriously questioning whether I needed to consider going to see someone professionally by mid afternoon??

But then we had an Autism Meetup last night. A group we started to support Parents in the city of Toronto who want to look at different ways to manage through Autism, look to each other for support, get advice on different solutions and talk through the victories and challenges we have.

It helped. But this morning helped even more.

I decided I can’t let this get to me. I know we have to keep fighting and I need to keep energy high to take care of our life. I need to be there to support our kids as they begin the school year, my husband, who is writing the most well-articulated letters to anyone and everyone willing (or not willing) to listen and my business, that I need to keep going in order to maintain the flexible schedule we need to access therapies/resources for T throughout the day.

I decided to try to go for a run…and then someone woke up early and agreed to come for a run with me. T…agreeing to come along if he could run in his pajamas.

Sometimes we need a little reminder what we’re fighting for

We raced…full force…fast…as hard as we could…and I remembered why I started running in the first place.

Running helped me work through the diagnosis of ASD, helped me gear up for the fight and I realized that I REALLY need that element in my life to stay sane.

I might not be as fast as I was awhile back, but I’m back.

Family is everything

Posted on September 4, 2012 by laughloveandlife

Last week our family went back to my home town to attend my grandmother’s 90th birthday, an event that saw my extended family together for the first time since my great-grandfather’s 100th birthday, some 15 years or so ago. The “festivus of grandma” saw 75+ of our extended family coming back to Winnipeg to pay homage to a woman who in part raised her siblings, raised her children, was a strong supportive aunt and always made her grandchildren feel completely adored.

J & G — Family is everything. Happy 90th birthday Grandma!

The visit, had a series of family events that culminated with a tea, dinner and BBQ on behalf of grandma throughout the weekend. Prior to the weekend, we were tasked on coming up with a speech from the grandkids to say at the dinner Saturday evening. So we went out for “Cousins Night Out” a tradition that has started over the last few years (now that my younger cousins are legal!) of heading out with all my immediate girl cousins for a night of conversation and cocktails, a formula that works very well for us. We catch up on our lives and what’s going on, yammer about our similarities (since we all come from the same maternal grandmother and grandfather), share secrets and usually one of us or a multitude of us end up in tears. Not because anything mean was said, but because this seems to be one of the few outlets where any of us feel we can really talk, a safe haven if you will…sharing our sadness or challenges without judgement..and feeling the support of family..unconditionally. It’s the only place I have been able to have an in-depth conversation about my son and autism (outside of my parents) with that side of the family…until last weekend.

You see, as much as I know my immediate family loves all of us deeply, supports us fully and cares for us completely, we have a habit of not talking about the big things. Don’t get me wrong, we are TALKERS…put the entire brood of us in a room and it was louder than a bingo hall. But we have grown up taught that we just don’t talk about the deeply emotional parts of our lives.. those moments stay quiet, not to be discussed publicly, not to burden anyone.

Up until recently I really didn’t have a problem with that….

Except now on two fronts where “talking” has become really important for me.

1) Not talking is not healthy- I realized that as much as I worry about “burdening” people in talking about Autism, I have a number of relatives who also don’t know HOW to talk about what’s wrong or feel terrible in not wanting to “bother” anyone with their problems. Something I totally get…Somehow we can’t seem to give ourselves permission to let go. But if you don’t let go every once in a while (which I definitely have these last 2 years), at some point that pot IS going to boil over. I’m worried about them but again as is our family nature, I’m not exactly sure how to tell them that.

2) Family history I have been asked numerous times in various assessments whether or not Autism runs in our family. I have always said no, until last weekend, I found out my second cousin also has a son with Autism. I had a lovely chat with he, and his wife and was inspired by what they are doing in their community to help raise funds and awareness to support Autism. In some ways, this provides comfort to me, that there is an element of genetics at play (since I had read everything from vaccinations, a stomach bug, the environment and one’s diet could all affect Autism and I really didn’t want to go into major guilt mode that I somehow could have prevented it) It also made me sad, as if it IS genetics, it will be something that our children will have to aware of as they start looking towards having family.

My heart is full from this family reunion.

An abundance of love and chatter with people I got a chance to reconnect with, laugh with and enjoy the company of.

They say you can’t pick your family, but ultimately I would pick the same one anyways…cause well…Family is everything…

Fighting the dragon: Autism & the school system

Posted on August 16, 2012 by laughloveandlife

As we are coming closer and closer to the school year, I am starting the cringe with the notion that here begins the fight with the Toronto District School Board to get the much-needed support for our son and others like him at our school. As we left the school in June, we were informed that while our school is considered a “hotspot” for Special Needs and recognized that there is a significant number of kids who require help to support them in school, we have thus far been allocated .5 of a position (for reference that is a 1 part-time position)..we apparently need at least 2.5 positions to cover the needs of the children.

We promptly did what many suggested and started writing letter (s) in Late June (combined with the parents of the other little guy that shared the SNA (Special Needs Assistant) with us last year). We sent it to the school trustee, superintendent, supervising principal and our MPP. We received 1 response (which we appreciated) from the superintendent, indicating that everyone was on holidays until the 20th of August and we would potentially meet then to discuss.

We have followed up but without any response to date.

I know, everyone in Toronto seems to be in a tizzy about the teacher contract agreement and what is about to happen with them. Ask any special needs parent what they think of hearing the trials and tribulations of teachers who live in such an unrealistic world of expectations on job security, pensions, and time off when it comes to hearing that your child won’t have any help this year and it’s sometimes hard to be sympathetic. I’m not saying that it’s the teachers who are responsible for the lack of resources available but I do feel that the Behemoth that is the TDSB and the way they have negotiated some terms in regards to union agreements have made it near to impossible to address the resources required in supporting the growing epidemic of Autism and children’s needs in the school system. 1 in 88 children or 1 in 54 boys now has autism. Can you truly say that your school system has changed their budgets in any way to assist that number?

I hate that this is going to be a fight. At one point during the summer as I was learning more and more about the lack of resources available, I even considered what it would take to become Catholic? (Trust me..I wouldn’t fit in..) Where would we have to move to access appropriate resources for T at school? Does it really have to get to that?

Parents we talk to who have kids on the other side of school (now adults and experiencing different challenges) suggest looking at it as a journey instead of a battle. I very much DO look at Autism as an adventure when it comes to the experiences T has brought us. We have learned to be more patient, appreciative, creative and grateful parents and I love how our family works.

They also say:

Fight…Don’t Give UP…YOU are the advocate for your child…YOU are responsible for getting him the best care possible.

OK…I’m suiting up…ready to take on the fire-breathing dragon….

For reference on the most recent Special Needs Report on the TDSB Click here

The Summer of New Adventures

Posted on July 23, 2012 by laughloveandlife

I honestly don’t know if summer could get any better. We have had the amazing good fortune of having beautiful weather, incredible friends to hang out with, a cottage to escape to and now a very cool motor boat to start our next chapter in adventures at the lake.

It didn’t start out that way. There was a significant number of times at the start of this year where when we went for a ride , it took an incredible amount of time convincing T to even get in the boat. Then it took a lot to convince him to go faster than a put put pace. My husband and I started looking at each other with a “wow, seriously? Could this be the biggest waste of money we have invested in…ever”. We weren’t sure what to do to get him comfortable with the boat (after all, this is a little man who has an auditory sensitivity to loud noises and we’re asking him to sit in a motor boat for goodness sake!)

All I can say, is that my dear husband gets the most brilliant solution award for this one. I don’t think I give him near enough props for how patient and creative he gets in working with T on challenges/resistance he faces but I am truly impressed with how he handled this one. He made sure T felt like he was in complete control. He talked through what the experience of being on a boat would feel like and then ultimately T would give a thumbs up or thumbs down depending if he felt things were getting a bit fast or not.

It took awhile as T got comfortable and once he was there, we started working on him to think about the 3 person tube we have to go on the back. Same situation, talk it through, start slow, he controls his comfort zone…That started in June and now he loves it when dad goes fast. This is so reflective on what its like every day with #Autism. If you prepare them, talk through what to expect and help them plan for the day. If you don’t give them that framework to understand, more times that not, it’s a disaster.

Just keep talking….

Next up, waterskiing…:)

Running… with Autism

Category: Parenting