Putting on a brave face

I’ve always been a glass half full kind of girl.

My life’s focus has for the most part been on the optimistic side of things, the cheerleader, the positive vibe, bringing everyone up when they’re down, making people laugh.

In an effort to be straight up through these entries, I’m not doing so good at that these days.

Since we began this journey, I have been frustrated, deflated, heartbroken, depressed, to the core sad, and madly, deeply in love with my son..and felt like I couldn’t really say that to anyone aside from my husband. Instead I would run to vent through the frustrations. Use physical energy to help dull the emotional energy that keeps welling up inside me.

When we tell people, we are experiencing what I would consider one of three reactions.

1) THE That’s really sad, tilt your head “oohhh’s”, pity look (which I hate)

2) THE No big deal, you guys are great parents and he’s lucky to have you, he’s not any different than he was yesterday, sweep it under the carpet, NEXT…

3) THE No clue what to say stumble..NEXT…

I want to talk about it cause I am aware that talking about it helps clear the air, get things of your chest, make you feel better. But I don’t want to burden anyone with talking about Autism and what we are experiencing because it feels uncomfortable. I’m embarrassed for having these feelings…I feel weak because every time I talk about it, I get a huge frog in my throat and usually start to tear up.

I wanted to tackle this head on. Become the model parent who has it all figured out and has truly taken on the form of “ADVOCATE” for my son.

A bit of a lofty goal as anyone going through this will attest. As much information as you can absorb, as many resources you can tap into as many blogs as you can read…there are some hard, heart-wrenching emotions you need to go through before you get used to something like this. Its been 3 months and we are just starting to get there. Where we are passing through the grieving period and getting down to business, trying to figure out what our next steps need to be for T. For anyone who is reading this with a new diagnosis, cut yourself some slack….you will need time to process this before it starts becoming something you can accept. But from what I read, and hear…nobody is alone in feeling this way.

If you haven’t come across it, a good starting resource is the Autism Speaks 100 Day tool kit http://www.autismspeaks.ca/en/after-diagnosis

Its American but at least provides solid information on what you are dealing with in the 1st 100 days of diagnosis.

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